Jezebel vs. Abigail: When Taking Charge Is Godly (and When It’s Not)

There’s a tension every Christian woman has likely felt at some point—especially in marriage or leadership: Is it okay to take charge? To speak up? To act boldly?

In a world that often gives us two extremes—either a passive “go-with-the-flow” kind of woman or a domineering “my way or the highway” one—it can feel like there’s no biblical middle ground.

But Scripture actually gives us two striking examples of women who did take charge. Both were married. Both acted in moments of crisis. Both spoke boldly to powerful men.

And yet, one is remembered for her wisdom and righteousness (Abigail), while the other has become synonymous with manipulation and control (Jezebel).

So what made the difference? Let’s unpack their stories—and what they mean for us today.

Meet Jezebel: The Controlling Wife

Jezebel was a Phoenician princess married to King Ahab of Israel (1 Kings 16). From the start, her influence was destructive. She promoted Baal worship, silenced the prophets of God, and manipulated her husband to get what she wanted.

One chilling example: In 1 Kings 21, Ahab is sulking because he can’t get Naboth’s vineyard. Jezebel swoops in, takes over, and orchestrates Naboth’s murder so Ahab can have the land. All Ahab had to do was pout. Jezebel handled the rest.

It’s easy to dismiss Jezebel as pure evil. But there’s something hauntingly relatable about her story. Jezebel saw her husband’s weakness and stepped in. She wanted control. She believed the ends justified the means. She wasn’t passive, but she wasn’t righteous, either. She used her strength to dominate, manipulate, and destroy.

Meet Abigail: The Wise Intervener

Now flip to 1 Samuel 25. Abigail is married to a man named Nabal, whose name literally means “fool.” He’s harsh, arrogant, and insults David—a rising leader and future king. David is furious and ready to kill every male in Nabal’s household.

Abigail finds out what happened and quickly acts. Without telling her husband, she loads donkeys with food and rides out to meet David. She bows, offers the gifts, and humbly but boldly speaks wisdom to David, urging him not to stain his conscience with unnecessary bloodshed.

Her words stop David in his tracks. He blesses her for her discernment. And soon after, Nabal dies—and Abigail becomes David’s wife. Like Jezebel, Abigail takes initiative. But instead of scheming for selfish gain, she acts to protect her household. Instead of manipulating, she appeals with wisdom and humility. Instead of fueling destruction, she prevents it.

The Heart Behind the Action

The main difference between Jezebel and Abigail wasn’t that one acted and the other didn’t. They both acted.

It was why and how they acted that made all the difference.

• Jezebel acted from pride and a hunger for control.
• Abigail acted from humility and a desire to protect.
• Jezebel sought to dominate her husband.
• Abigail covered her husband’s failure with grace.
• Jezebel used her influence to oppose God’s will.
• Abigail used her influence to align others with God’s heart.

That’s the real contrast. Not whether you act, but whether your heart is surrendered.

What This Means for Us

Many Christian women today struggle to find the balance between strength and submission, between speaking up and staying silent.

We wonder:

• “Am I being helpful or controlling?”
• “Is this wisdom… or manipulation?”
• “Is this Holy Spirit boldness… or pride in disguise?”

And let’s be honest—sometimes it's hard to tell. That’s why these two women give us such a powerful lens. They don’t just show us two different actions—they show us two different spirits. So here’s a practical heart-check:

When you’re about to step in or take charge, ask…

1. Am I doing this to serve or to control?
   Abigail acted to prevent a massacre. Jezebel acted to get her husband a vineyard.

2. Is this rooted in humility or pride?
   Abigail bowed before David and pointed to God’s justice. Jezebel used God’s name to justify lies and murder.

3. Does this honor God and others—or just my own desires?
   Jezebel cared about her image, her power, her way. Abigail risked her reputation to honor God.

4. Is this about making things right—or just getting my way?
   One wanted to save lives. One wanted to win.

Strength Is Not the Enemy

We often confuse “submission” with silence. But biblical submission is not passive. It’s powerful. It’s willing. It’s strong enough to speak up—but surrendered enough to let God lead. Abigail wasn’t a doormat. She was strategic, quick-thinking, courageous, and wise. And she’s honored in Scripture for it. The world tells women: Take control. Do it your way. Be the boss. The church has sometimes swung the other way: Be quiet. Don’t rock the boat. Just smile and serve. But Scripture shows a better way.

Be strong. Be wise. Be surrendered.

You’re not Jezebel for speaking up. You’re not Abigail just because you step in. It’s about the spirit behind your strength.

Final Thoughts: Walking the Abigail Path

We all have a little Jezebel in us—especially when life feels out of control.

But the Holy Spirit offers a better way.

A way of wisdom. A way of courage wrapped in humility. A way of influence that points people to God instead of to ourselves.

You can be strong and surrendered. You can take action and trust God. You can be bold and wise and still be a woman after God’s own heart. Just ask Abigail.

Reflection Questions:

1. When you’re stressed or hurt, do you tend to shut down—or take over?

2. Have there been moments when your “help” was more about control?

3. How can you practice Abigail-like wisdom in your marriage, friendships, or leadership roles this week?