My Break Up Didn't Break Me

A few months ago the boy who I thought was my happily ever after broke up with me. It hit me like a left hook in a thumb war; unexpected, disorienting and devastatingly painful. I have never experienced such physical pain from an emotional blow. The worst was in the days and months that followed. When he broke up with me it would be the last time he would talk to me; no returned texts, calls, letters, DMs, I was ghosted.

To give you context about our relationship, we were approaching two years together when he turned his back on me and everything we had together. All I was left with was a breakup letter and an overwhelming amount of unanswered questions. The last time I checked we were happily in love. We saw each other regularly, we made time in our new post-grad lives to continue to learn and grow alongside each other, we continued to ask God to work in our relationship and to keep us centered on Christ. No relationship is perfect, we had things we struggled with and we were open about communicating those struggles with each other and surrendering them to God. In the midst of everything I was happy in our relationship; what I couldn’t see was that he wasn’t. So to my surprise I was completely blindsided by the breakup. I was angry, confused, sad, and I cried out, I pleaded, and begged God to fix us, to put our relationship back together.

Following the breakup, I encountered all of the emotions that follow extreme heartbreak: anger, shame, guilt, doubt, and deep sorrow- a kind of mourning if you will. I was convinced I would never experience the same joy that I had with him again. In the turmoil of emotions I was overwhelmed by, I began to question. Where did I go wrong?

Was my love not enough for him? Was I not enough for him? What could I have done to make him stay? In what ways should I have been a better girlfriend? More questions masked the lies of shame and guilt of the voices saying you are not enough, and you were not worthy of this relationship. For awhile these lies were all I heard. At the time of the breakup I was reading a book called Uninvited by Lysa Terkerust. This book was an appropriate guide to understanding the rejection I faced. She writes, “Rejection isn’t just an emotion we feel. It’s a message that’s sent to the core of who we are, causing us to believe lies about ourselves, others and God.”

The voices telling me that my relationship didn’t work out because I was not enough made it difficult to trust God. My faith came in waves of devotion, unsure that I was worthy of His love since the relationship I trusted my heart to shattered before me. That’s just it though, I entrusted my heart to someone who is just as flawed as I am. As humans we are broken and imperfect and we fail greatly. I realized my heart was not meant to be held by someone who could cause it pain, I am called to give my heart, my soul and my life to Jesus Christ. He is the protector of my life and he will never leave nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5).

In the following months of rediscovering God’s love story, I saw truth begin to tear down the lies. Because the God of the universe loves and accepts me, I don’t have to be crushed by anybody’s rejection. As I sought after God’s heart I recognized that God loved me even before he created me in His perfect image. I faithfully believe He continues to love me unconditionally. The more time I spent seeking God and a community of believers, the clearer I saw my relationship from His eyes. What God revealed to me in the time I spent humbling myself before Him was that I failed at my relationship because I was not mature enough. I could not love my boyfriend well because I lacked a love for myself, and even worse, I lacked a love for God. In 1 John 4:19 he writes, “we love because He first loved us.” In pursuing my relationship with my boyfriend, I became lazy in seeking a relationship with Christ first. I could not love and respect my boyfriend in the ways he deserves because I didn’t have the necessary foundational relationship to seek God above all things.

In the beginning of our relationship, my boyfriend and I prayed together, we attended church together, we made a book club together where we had deep discussions over texts written by Christian authors. Everything was good. But I think we became complacent. Speaking for myself, I stopped having my alone time with God. Each time my boyfriend and I compromised our physical boundaries it became harder and harder to seek God because I was ashamed and guilty. I realize now that those lies of shame and guilt and the unspoken lack of forgiveness between my boyfriend and I definitely strained our relationship. The deception that my sin could distance myself from God created a hardened heart within me. Looking back I knew it was hard on my relationship but I was too stubborn to give God our struggle. My boyfriend and I fought to keep our physical interactions pure and honoring to God, but the harder we struggled the further I distanced myself from God. But that’s not what God had for my life. He relentlessly pursues us! No amount of sin or shame or guilt can keep us from his arms; He is a good Father, a loving God, a forgiving God, and the ruler of all things. From where I stand today, I’m not sure I would have been able to see what I understand now if I was still in the relationship with my boyfriend. I am young and learning, and this heartbreak, as devastating as it was to endure, taught me more than I could have ever imagined about the love and grace of God.

One of my favorite authors and researchers Brené Brown stated, “We craft love from heartbreak, compassion from shame, grace from disappointment, and courage from failure.” In my breakup, I learned how to love God and love myself completely. My heart was opened to uncertainty- the lack of definite and clear answers- because sometimes you won’t get the answer you are seeking, but God will give you an answer. He wants to use your shattered pieces for His Kingdom and His Glory. I learned to not put my trust in the people or things of this world because they will ultimately fail me, but God never does. Lastly, and I am still learning this, God has someone who will love you like He does. I am learning to find joy in the waiting of that day and it is my hope that you find joy in waiting for your forever best friend as well. The creator of the universe and the Father of you, dear child, will be holding your hand, waiting alongside you in the process.

You and I, although imperfect and wired for struggle, are worthy of love and belonging. Never forget that.

Where I’m at today

My last letter to my ex was actually a thank you card. He still doesn’t really talk to me but I had to thank him for having the courage to break us up. As hard as it was for us, we both need time to mature and grow in ways that being in a relationship might have hindered. I still hope that one day we will be friends again, but in the meantime, I wait patiently with the Lord by my side.

Scriptures that helped me along the way

John 14:27, Exodus 14:14, Isaiah 41:13, Joel 2:5, Matthew 9:22, 11:28, Psalm 34:17, 147:3 and 1 John 4:19