Overcoming Loneliness 101

From the time we’re little girls, we long to be loved and accepted—from the playground to the lunchroom to the places where we live and work as grown women. We do our best to prove we’re lovable and to avoid being left all alone. But the truth is that it’s impossible to walk through life without experiencing the pain and loneliness of betrayal, shame, guilt, loss, judgment, or rejection. These wounds can shape our views of ourselves, others, and God and even make us question if we are worthy of love and acceptance. Whether old or new, our heartache can convince us there’s no one who understands or cares. Yet Jesus tells us a different story, promising us that we are never alone!

In her new book Never Alone, author, mother, blogger, wife, and speaker Tiffany Bluhm offers hope and encouragement. Though our plans, hearts, and lives change, God does not miss a beat (!!!!!!!)

What we may have mistaken for absence was only our mind questioning his goodness and grace. Tiffany reveals the depth and healing power of Jesus’ unconditional love for us and how we will never escape his love. If we are willing, we can discover the sacred truth that we, indeed, are never alone.

Let's get to know Tiffany!!! ❀ ✿ ❁ ❃

❥ Of all the fears there are in the world, how prevalent is the fear of being alone?

As little girls, we feared playing alone on the playground. In middle school, we feared sitting alone at lunch. In high school, we feared going alone to the prom. As adults, we fear we may never marry or have children. We fear our husbands may leave us. We fear we will be left to our solitary selves to fight the hardest battles of our lives. We spend our lives doing our absolute best to prove we are lovable and valuable, never to be ignored or left alone.

❥ What was your inspiration for writing Never Alone?

Too many women, including myself, have wondered if our life experiences disqualify us from the intervention and hope of Jesus. I was inspired by my own struggles (including abandonment at birth, being dumped by the man of my dreams, and losing a child in the adoption process) and struggles of close friends that we are not only loved by Jesus but given a beautiful identity as we follow him.

I’ve always believed women play a critical role in society, one that is intended to be defined not by culture but by Christ. Never Alone exposes the truth of a woman’s value and vision when she believes in God and who he designed her to be.

❥ How did being adopted contribute to feelings of shame and loneliness throughout the years?

From my earliest memories, I remember feeling different. I knew straight away I was different. My family is white, and I am East Indian. My childhood was spent wishing my skin was brighter and my story didn’t involve a mama giving up her baby. However, that was my story. I’ve wrestled with shame and loneliness for being different, for being abandoned. No matter who you are, when the understanding of your origin story is understood, one that begun with abandonment, it messes with your understanding of worth.

I own just one baby picture of myself, taken at five months. I’m wearing a simple cloth diaper with my moppy black hair piled atop my head. My pursed lips appear to be permanently carved on my face. Every time I look at that picture my heart drops. Even at five months old I was scared and unsure of everything around me. Those overwhelming emotions of fear and uncertainty, my demons, were already there for me to fight, not only as a child, but also as an adolescent, and later still as an adult.

Shame never lets us rest. It reminds us how we feel about ourselves when we’d rather forget. It’s a mark of something deeper. It evokes emotions that cause us to question why we wallow in them day after day. Yet, every shameful thought in us has a story, a birthplace deep in our core. It grows as we grow. Shame threads itself through our ideas, dreams, and hopes. It convinces us we aren’t good enough, strong enough, or worthy enough for anyone’s love and affection.

Adopting my son gave me an understanding of God’s extravagant love for the brokenness in all of us. It was as though he pulled back the curtain to reveal his deep love and willingness to restore all that has been broken and lost. Yet, at the same time, it’s wild and sometimes heartbreaking to see my son struggle with many of the issues I did as a child. To work through these issues with him has given me, as an adult, a double dose of compassion and a rock-solid belief that God can redeem each and every broken part of us.

❥ You write about six women from Biblical history and their stories of hurt. Please describe!

The six women from the Gospels are the woman caught in adultery, the woman with the issue of blood, the woman at the well, the woman who anointed Jesus with oil, Mary Magdalene, and Mary, mother of Jesus. Each woman had an encounter with Jesus that radically redefined her value and role in society. Each of those encounters with Jesus pulls back the curtain on how God views women, how he values them in the Kingdom, and their innate worth. Jesus saw fit for women to serve as image bearers, receivers of restoration, speakers of truth, and valiant leaders for the cause of Christ.

The women of the gospels felt the sting of rejection, shame, and fear. Like them, I’ve fought battles to claim my true identity defined not by the world, but by the death and resurrection of Jesus. In a world of do’s and don’ts, Jesus cut through the noise to speak value, love, and companionship to women. The same is true today. This is a noisy world, but Jesus isn’t white noise to be ignored. He’s the giver of the life we crave.

❥ What are things we do to protect ourselves from shame and rejection... that make things worse?

We isolate to escape rejection, but in turn, we forfeit connection. We pass on the gracious love of Christ that is to be received and shared. Received by Christ himself and his people. Our isolation costs us love from others that could point us to the redeeming hand of Jesus. We convince ourselves that in isolation, no one can hurt us. In isolation, we can be invincible. In isolation, we can be in control of what happens to us. While our attempt to survive is noble, it leaves us feeling even more rejected than we ever imagined.

At five years old, as soon as I understood the story of my birth and abandonment, it wasn’t long before I began to fantasize about what it would be like to meet my biological mother and visit the orphanage where I was left. I wanted to know every detail of my story, however broken and disjointed it may have been. I wanted what I believed everyone around me had. I wanted answers.

I would visit friends and see baby pictures on the wall and baby footprints pressed into plaster. I wanted that. I wanted a story without gaping holes and unanswered questions, so I isolated myself from others because I did not have what they did. Isolation was the result of feeling inadequate, unworthy, and shameful.

❥ What are some other factors that work against women in their journey to restoration?

Honestly, the lies we believe about ourselves, coupled with festering resentment and bitterness for the way things have turned out in life, make for some hefty stumbling blocks. Sometimes, you don't know where to start in your hunt for restoration. You and I can easily question if Jesus' grace is capable of doing all it claims it can. In our deepest hurts is when we decide who Jesus is—not just in the good times, but in the hard ones. If we aren’t able to identify the presence of Jesus in our pain we may wonder if he can restore our broken moments that leave us lonely and confused.

Keep up with Tiffany and read her blog at TiffanyBluhm.com!