As I sit to write this, putting my past life into words has been a healing journey of saying goodbye to the old me. The old me, who I loved, but am more than okay not seeing again. Someone recently asked me if I could do it all again, would I still marry my ex-husband. That question struck me hard because I honestly didn’t know what I would say. If I hadn’t married him, would there be a lot less pain? Would I have done as much healing without myself and him breaking me down so that God could build me up? I probably will never have the answer, but that’s okay. 

When you look at the math, one unhealthy person plus one unhealthy person does not equal a healthy marriage. I would love to say I was the healthy one and it was all him that made it chaotic, but that’s simply not true. I came into the marriage with a lot of baggage from my childhood of physical and mental abuse. I still flinched when people came near my face even when I knew they weren’t going to hit me. I hated hugs as I feared I’d get punched. I didn’t trust people. I was angry all the time. I didn’t know how to communicate my needs in the right way. I was overwhelmed all the time, from putting myself in the wrong environments. My soul was drowning and dying because I had given up on life. As you can see, there were alot of “I'' statements right there - It just wasn’t one sided like a lot of ex-spouses like to say it is. I’ll admit, it didn’t come easily for me to say that at first. I was perfectly okay with him being the bad guy, and at times he played it very well. When he was pulling a stunt, I allowed myself to believe that my bad behavior was justified and observed that other people justified my behavior as well. I want to clarify, I’m referring to how I treated my ex and others in the past, not the actual divorce.  I’ve since learned that I’m responsible for my own actions no matter what is happening around me. 

I sat and wondered the first few weeks after we seperated, how could God redeem a human with my past. God knew I needed a complete restart. So with one final blow, he took away my church, all but two friends, my community, my job, my health, my belongings, money, my house, and pretty much my identity. I was left with my family and a bag full of clothes. To say this felt like impending redemption,I would be lying. While I wasn’t suicidal, I would have been okay dying then and there. In three simple words, I was broken. At this time, I would have been homeless if my family had not offered me a place to live. I was broken down enough that I knew God was the only one who could help. My brain was so exhausted that even reading the Bible was too much. All I could do was read Psalms 23 over and over. Slowly the verses became alive with understanding. Verse 1 says 'The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.'  God showed me I had a roof over my head, food, the correct medication, and enough clothes. He showed me I had wants, but my actual needs were fulfilled. Week by week, God broke down that chapter for me and showed me how he was alive and illustrating every word in that chapter. He gave me rest. He led me to where I was supposed to be. He protected me in some very dark valleys. He sent me comfort. He loved me through these short but powerful words. 

I was finally ready to say, “God, I’m yours. I’m really yours!” And that’s when the real work began on me. In all his wisdom, grace and mercy, God gave me all things new. I wasn’t allowed to step back in the past. At first I was in shock, how could all my friends and church never think to contact me. Was I that meaningless to them? I was and that’s why God  removed them. To be real, I wouldn’t have missed myself either. I wouldn’t have wanted myself as a friend. At first this was incredibly painful and lonely. I fell into a deep depression. I wasn’t listening to God whisper “I’m upgrading your friends and I’m upgrading you, Child.” He had to show me. God started putting people in my life one by one. Valuable people who loved God and valued me. I started to bloom under their friendships. They encouraged me in God’s word, invited me to their activities, and encouraged me to start exploring who I really was. God knew who I needed even when I didn’t. I am truly blessed in the friend department nowadays.

Two months after we separated, I found a new job. I still remember the interview for the job. I had been close with other jobs, even going through 8 interviews for one and a job offer for another. I had prayed for wisdom for the interview, and boy oh boy God answered. The words coming out of my mouth were definitely not mine. I was hired on the spot with an instant pay raise. God put me where I was supposed to be and I knew it right away. I started growing, healing, and learning. He put me in a healthy work environment and replaced my toxic workplace. 

During my marriage, I had an unhealthy separation from my family. I struggled with fitting in and the feeling of being wanted. I was the product of my mom becoming pregnant with me to catch my father. I was never wanted by her. While my father was an amazing Godly man, he was never home enough due to work to see the abuse and neglect. Sadly he died when I was a child and every hope I had felt shattered. When I was 12, I met a wonderful woman who became a positive role model in my life and without her I would have completed sucide. She and her family unofficially adopted me as a teen. As a teenager, I moved in with my two uncles and grandma and lived with them until I was married. So to sum this all up, I don’t have a normal family. And while my family is AMAZING, it didn’t always fill that gap without God in it. After the separation, God made me very dependent on them. He started healing relationships that I had, or fixing the lack of relationships I should say. Seeing the mama bear come out in my adopted mom and aunts, I had never felt so loved before. When I saw them protect me, it showed me real love. And while we don’t always see eye to eye, I wouldn't trade them. 

God had us wait a year before I was even slightly healthy enough to sit down and have a conversation with my ex in person on how we were going to split things. I want to quickly pause and explain that during this time I was strongly struggling if divorce was following God. I felt that I was disobeying God and disappointing him. I sat there struggling but willing to listen if God asked me to come back to my ex. Sitting across from his older brother and him at a restaurant, I hoped to see growth and change in him.  To put it simply, I didn’t. At times, God quietly tells us things and every once in a while he shouts the message to you. As I left this meeting hurting and confused, God shouted so clearly that I had no doubt, “ Child, you aren’t coming back!” 

He gave me permission to move on without guilt. It was one of my most freeing and healing moments he has given me.

Recently I was at a concert working at the merchandise table. I recognized an old friend that would come over often to our house to hang out with my ex husband and I. I realized that even though he had passed me multiple times, he didn’t know who I was . It sent me into reflection. Had I really changed that much in three or four years?  My outward appearance had slightly changed, but not that much. It was my soul that had transformed thus transforming my outward appearance. I used to hear that I always looked angry and unapproachable all the time. People didn’t want to approach me and that at 5’4 and 130 pounds, I was repeatedly told by men that they wouldn’t want to meet me in a dark alley. Recently, a gentleman felt the need to protect me on a hiking trip. He didn’t see what others saw in the past. While I’m still in the process of healing, God has shown me time after time how he has been healing and changing me. I still make mistakes but nowadays I’ve learned to give them to God.

Divorce Scriptures for the Broken-Hearted

• When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned …. Since you were precious in my sight, you have been honored and I have loved you. Isaiah 43:2, 4
• We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. 2 Corinthians 4:8-9
• Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
• Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength, They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:31
• The moon will shine like the sun, and the sunlight will be seven times brighter...when the Lord binds up the bruises of his people. Isaiah 30:26
• I am the Lord, who heals you. Exodus 15:26
• The Lord heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3
• Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9
• Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5
• See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? Isaiah 43:19
• You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand. John 13:7
• Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32
• Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10
• Test me in this...and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it. Malachi 3:10
• Set your hearts on things above..set your mids on things above, not on earthly things...Your life is now hidden with Christ in God. Colossians 3:1-3

The mid-twenty-something author of this post requested to remain anonymous, and we are respecting her wishes.